“Aw jeez, is it really Christmas again? Man, I’m so sick of hearing that word already. I wish it was, like, January or something…”
It’s well established that I freakin’ love Christmas, but I know that a lot of folks ain’t so enamoured to the festive holiday (not enough Christmas candy as youngsters, I reckon). For some, suggesting that you pour yourself a glass of eggnog and watch ‘A Miracle on 34th Street’ is pretty much the same as suggesting you go and jump into a frozen lake with no clothes on (don’t do it, folks).
But I’m a firm believer in hope, and I believe that even the biggest of Scrooges can get some joy from Christmas. They don’t even have to go through all that ghost stuff to do it – here are some alternative Christmas movies that I think will bring joy (or at least laughter) to the hearts of festive cynics everywhere.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
‘Santa Claus Conquers The Martians’, in some ways, is the perfect Santa movie as it’s just as ridiculous as the man himself. The basic premise involves a bunch of kids on Mars who have been watching way too much Earth TV and have fallen in love with Santa Claus. Because all Martians are evil, they decide to kidnap Santa, as well as two Earth kids. Santa ain’t too bothered about this, and sets about making toys for the martians. Like with all aliens though, death and destruction ain’t too far away…
Note that I said this movie is the perfect Santa movie in some ways. That’s because ‘Santa Claus Conquers The Martians’ is frequently named one of the worst movies ever made, ever. Still, if you enjoy bad movies and like the idea of Santa being sent off to a planet with no atmosphere or oxygen, you’ll probably enjoy it.
Silent Night, Deadly Night
When you think about it, though, there is something kind of weird about a fat, old dude creeping around your house at night. He usually leaves me a box or two of Twinkies though, so I can’t complain too much.
Ahem, anyway. ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ is about a dude who dresses up as Santa and rewards good kids while punishing naughty kids. So far, so good.
Oh, did I mention that this Santa punishes kids by stabbing them to death or impaling them on antlers and ‘rewards’ good kids by letting them live? Yeah, I probably should have. He’s not exactly conventional, but hey, who am I to judge?
In the grand scheme of things, ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ is an alright slasher flick that probably only still gets attention because of it’s Christmas theme. That said, it’s a good watch if you’ve just had a stressful day in town Christmas shopping…
This movie also spawned one of the most legendarily terrible scenes in history – the infamous ‘Garbage Day’ from ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night 2’. So it was good for something!
Despite this, ‘Bad Santa’ is kinda, maybe, sorta a bit heartwarming and is ideal for anyone who is a lil’ bit sick of sugary sweet Christmas movies. Although, to be honest, the real reason to watch this movie see Billy Bob Santa steal cars and beat people up.
Santa with Muscles
You probably already know about ‘Jingle All The Way’, the stone-cold Schwarzenegger classic, but there exists another, lesser-known beefcake Santa movie – ‘Santa with Muscles’.
‘Santa with Muscles’ stars Hulk Hogan as a millionaire who bangs his head while dressed up as Santa. This leads the Hulkster to believe he’s Father Christmas, and he sets off to travel the world delivering presents to kids with no absolutely no violence whatsoever.
Just kidding! He actually encounters a villain called Ebner Frost who is concocting some evil plan to steal crystals from underneath an orphanage or something. Anyway, it gives Hulk the perfect excuse to body slam some muthas and engage in some of the worst acting ever committed to the silver screen.
Needless to say, ‘Santa with Muscles’ appears frequently in lists of the worst movies ever despite the appearance of very young Mila Kunis. She doesn’t like to talk about it now, I’m guessing.
Until 2005, at least, when none other than Bill ‘Goldberg’ Goldberg stepped into the infamous red and white suit to star as a murderous Santa who is actually the son of Satan in ‘Santa’s Slay’. Yes, really.
‘Santa’s Slay’ is genuinely one of the weirdest movies I’ve ever seen. Santa murders families freely, with the explanation being that he lost a curling match to an angel 1000 years ago that forced him to hand out presents to kids. With the 1000 years up, Santa returns to being a massive jerk and sets about killing everyone in sight. That would be a weird enough plot on its own, but it’s made even more surreal by Goldberg, who wrestling fans will recall as being pretty unhinged even on a good day.
It’s a movie I reckon everyone owes themselves to watch, if only to see what happens when a bunch of movie executives drunk on eggnog get together to write a Christmas movie.
So, those are my alternative Christmas movies. Would you add anything else to the list? What are you planning to watch this Christmas? Let me know on Twitter @AStoneHCO, on Facebook or by leaving a comment below. Later, Stoneites!