4 terrifying and (probably) true American ghost stories

The nights are drawing in, a cold chill fills the air and the faint sounds of screams and murder travel softly on the wind; Halloween is coming and it’s gonna be absolutely freakin’ terrifying!

It’ll also be delicious too, what with all that Halloween candy. But for the purposes of this post, let’s just say it’s gonna be scary more than anything.

Anyhow, there ain’t nothing like being scared senseless on Halloween and there ain’t much better to scare folks with than a good ghost story. And where better to find good ghost stories than the home of Stephen King, Lovecraft and whoever made all the Saw films?

In this post, I’ve put together some of my favorite horror stories from the land of the free. Or should that be the land of the screeee-am?! Erm, that sounded better in my head…

Anyhow, turn down the lights, shine a torch under your face and grab a bowl of Lucky Charms (for comfort) – it’s story time!

Bloody Mary

“Once upon a time, there was a young man named Jeff. Jeff was horsing around at home one day when he decided to take a look in the mirror and say the name of his favorite drink three times.

“Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!”, Jeff exclaimed, presumably because he’d already have a couple of bloody Mary’s already. To his shock, an apparition appeared in the mirror before him; a bloodied ghost of a woman, screeching and threatening to scratch his eyes out. Jeff was never seen again…

…until the next week, when he suddenly reappeared at the pub. But still, Jeff never talks of the night he met…BLOODY MARY!”

Bloody Mary

Okay, so this hokey story has been around for forever, and pretty much every country has their own version of the story but it’s a real classic that is guaranteed to make people try calling ‘bloody Mary’ in the mirror at least once.

Oh, this story was also the plot of a movie called ‘Candyman’, which is about a psycho killer instead of a dude who appears in the mirror and gives you a ton of American candy.  Probably for the best really, cos I’d be in the mirror calling Candyman all the time otherwise…

The Homeless Clown (Who Is Watching Your Children)

Pennywise

“One night, in the small town of Little Rock, Arkansas, a young man named Alan Stone was on his first ever babysitting assignment. It would also be his last.

Alan had finally managed to put the lil’ brats to bed when he settled down to do what he’d planning to do all night; eat a whole bunch of Tootsie Rolls and watch ‘American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt’. Alan was happily laughing at the terrible dialogue and fighting, but something was disturbing his joy – a creepy clown statue in the corner of the room.

Worried, Alan called the parents of the kids; “hey dudes, your creepy clown statue is really freaking me out, mind if I, like, chuck it out of the window or something?”

The kids’ dad replied: “Alan, get out of there and call the police, gosh darn it!’

Suddenly, the clown moved. It turned out the kids had been telling their mom and dad about a creepy clown that watched them at night for weeks – and it was real. Alan called the police and roundhouse kicked the statue clown man. When the police arrived, it turned out the clown was a homeless dude who had been living in the house for weeks. And he would have got away with it, if it weren’t for that meddling Alan Stone!”

Alright, so my version of the Clown Statue story is slightly different to the traditional telling, but you should always add your own spin to an urban legend. The first version of this story I heard was about a girl in Arkansas, but since then I’ve seen it in viral emails, Facebook and all sorts of places. That means it probably ain’t real…unless it really has happened to thousands of different people!

This tale plays on the fear of responsibility and evil clowns, making it a tale that’ll terrify just about anyone.

Killer hair

“A young teenager was fixin’ his hair into a Mohawk in a misguided attempt to fit in with the local punks. To keep it up, he used a mix of egg whites and sugar water. He went to bed, satisfied that he looked awesome…

…until the next day, when his Ma when upstairs and found him DEAD, knawed to death by rats and bugs after the delicious food products in his hair!

No, I don’t know where the rats or bugs came from! Stop picking holes!”

The Killer Hairdo story is another classic, but one that doesn’t really scare me because I don’t have any hair. If you’re into hair products and stuff though, this is real terrifying because it’s a scientific fact* that rats and bugs want to eat your hair and scalp!

This story originated in the ‘60s when women first started fixin’ their hair in all kinds of weird and wonderful shapes and is supposed to be some kind of cautionary tale about being vain or something. Either way, it’s pretty dang gruesome!

*there’s no actual scientific evidence for it, but it’s probably true.

The Phantom Cheetos Thief

Cheetos Thief

“A young woman, eating a pack of Cheetos, falls asleep on a couch while watching a movie. She wakes up two hours later and notices the Cheetos have gone. She gets up, startled and sweating profusely. She checks the cupboard for back-up Cheetos – gone!

Suddenly, a vast spectre of Cheeto dust manifests itself and begins to talk in a voice not unlike James Earl Jones. “Foolish woman!” he cries, “thou shalt never leave Cheetos unattended! Now you have paid the ultimate price; eternal banishment from Cheeto-land!”

This tale first originated from the keyboard of Alan Stone in late 2013 and deals with humanity’s inherent fear of having a delicious pack of Cheetos taken away from them. If Cheetos ain’t your thing, feel free to interchange them with Twinkies, Red Vines or whatever else your favorite candy might be!

So those are some of my favorite ghost stories – what are yours? Scare me senseless on Twitter @AStoneHCO, on Facebook or by leaving a comment below. Until next time, Stoneites…if there is a next time! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*cough*!