Hey guys, exciting news! ‘Paranormal Activity 4’ is out! And we (erm…I mean you) got it a whole two days before the States too! I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to sit through another couple of hours of that spooky ghost slamming doors, and the adventures of whatever-her-name-is…ah, who am I kidding, I don’t care.
I lost interest in ‘Paranormal Activity’ about half way through the first one, which I didn’t really find that scary and just kinda found a bit boring. I’ve seen the second and third one but yeah…there’s only so much ‘ghost slamming doors on a video camera’ I can take. Seriously, it’s freaking boring.
So without watching it, I’m gonna say you should avoid ‘Paranormal Activity 4’ (even though it apparently boasts brand new ‘scare features’ including ‘video chat ghosts’ and ‘Kinect ghosts’) unless you’re really into that sort of thing. And that’s not the only movie I’m gonna suggest you avoid this Halloween either…
Y’see, over the next couple of weeks, you guys are probably come across a lot of lists telling you what movies you should be watching this Halloween (including my own, which’ll be the only one that matters really) but you probably won’t get many telling you what NOT to watch. What’s to stop you accidently stumbling on a Halloween trick when you’re actually looking for a treat?
Alan Stone, that’s what. Here’s five horror movies that you should avoid like an angry Leatherface in a DIY store this Halloween.
The original ‘Friday the 13th’ is a classic movie, but it has more freaking sequels than Aunt Jemima has varieties of pancakes and syrup. That wouldn’t be a problem if most of them didn’t suck.
Jason Voorhee’s pinnacle of suckiness – although it’s hard to pick just one – was ‘Jason X’. Basically ‘Friday the 13th in Space’, ‘Jason X’ cryogenically freezes Jason and blasts him forward to 2455, where he becomes some kinda cyborg killer in the future. This movie sucks on every level – acting, plot, sets, everything. Just ask Roger Ebert.
Every Saw Movie Beyond ‘Saw III’
The first ‘Saw’ is a pretty awesome movie, if a bit too gruesome for my tastes. The second? Okay, fine. The third? Yeah, it was getting a bit lame but *MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD* at least they killed off Jigsaw and ended the franchise at about the right time.
Except they’re still going. There are 7 Saw movies, meaning the main villain has been DEAD for more of the franchise than he’s been alive! The newer ones delve into some stupid plot about various disciples of the only motivational coach in the world who tries to teach people the value of life through dismembering them. Seriously, why doesn’t he just show them some beautiful sunsets or something? Or like, give them a year’s supply of Reese’s pieces?
Aliens fighting Predators? Awesome. A Predalien? Awesome. The Aliens finally reaching Earth? Super awesome. So why does this movie suck so much?
Here’s why – it’s boring and depressing. Boasting characters straight from the ‘Big Book of Cliches’, a crappy plot and some of the most pointlessly horrible scenes ever (Predalien in a maternity ward, anyone?), AVP: Requiem was so bad that it almost killed off both franchises for good.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Wait, what? There’s a sequel to ‘The Blair Witch Project’? Yeah there is, and it sucks, majorly.
I actually had to rewatch this to remember what happened plot-wise, but I’m not even going to bother summing up what happens. I’ll just say this; remember all that stuff that was awesome about the original Blair Witch? Now imagine the complete opposite. Congratulations, you’ve just watched ‘Book of Shadows…’!
The Devil Inside
Just a blind nun. Nothing to do with the film.
The most recent entry on my list but possibly the worst, ‘The Devil Inside’ changed the world of movie-making by introducing the concept of having no ending whatsoever. Instead, the movie asks you to go to a website to ‘find out more…’. It’s kind of like ‘The Usual Suspects’ stopping suddenly and asking you to go to Wikipedia to find out who Keyser Soze is.
Beyond that, it’s a pretty standard 21st century horror movie; someone finds a video of someone who gets possessed and then goes through an exorcism with lots of spooky bible stuff and nuns. There’s all the usual jumpy moments, creepy old women with no eyes, screamin…yawn… Really, the only thing scary about this movie is the fact is made one hundred gazillion dollars at the box office.
Y’know, condensing this list down to just five was pretty hard so I’m gonna need your guys help – let me know some of the worst horror movies you’ve ever seen in the comments or on Twitter (@AStoneHCO) and hopefully we can save people everywhere from accidentally ruining their Halloween with a lame movie. Think of it as a public service or something.