Alan Stone Samples The Cuisine Of The UK Part II: This Time, It’s Personal

When I presented my plan for 2013 to the folks at AS – The 100 Reasons Arnie is Freaking Awesome plan (a post for each reason) – they threw it out quicker than I threw out the DVD of ‘Terminator Salvation’ when I realised it sucked so bad.

Instead, they’ve decided I’m gonna be learning about Britain even more this year – and not just off the internet and TV and stuff. Starting with this post.

Y’all might remember I wrote a post a couple of months back where I tried a bunch of British food and pretty much decided I just wanna eat Cheetos forever. Well, a lot of you folks made suggestions for what British delicacies I should try next and even though I really didn’t want to have to go through all that again, AS insisted that I try them. And ‘cos it’s my job, I did it. I tried them all. You’re welcome.

Roast Beef Dinner (suggested by Laura in the comments section)

I reckoned that I’d start off with the easiest one, a roast dinner from a carvery (that’s what it’s called, right?) as suggested by Laura. I freakin’ love beef and I freakin’ love gravy – even though it ain’t quite the gravy I’m used to back home – and I can deal with vegetables. Even broccoli, though I kinda have to pretend I’m Godzilla eating a forest when I eat it.

All in all, this was pretty awesome…though Yorkshire Pudding? It ain’t a pudding. It’s cool though, it was good. The carvery even offered unlimited portions like they saw me coming or something.

Then I tried English mustard. What the heck, are y’all trying to kill me?! We got mustard in the States but jeez! This stuff was freakin’ strong! I tried a whole dollop and had to drink five cans of Tab Cola and eat a couple of packs of Lifesavers mints just to cool down!

Scotch Eggs (suggested by Sharon Taylor on Facebook)

Scotch eggs are hard-boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat and deep fried in breadcrumbs. They sound like they’re from Scotland, were actually made in England but totally sound like an American creation!

I ain’t never tried a scotch egg before – we’ve got them in the States in some places but I was too busy eating Jolly Ranchers and Pop Tarts to try them – and y’know what, I really like ‘em. I might even start having one with my lunch…along with like, Mug Root Beer and anything I can smother in J.R’s BBQ Sauce, y’all understand.

Pickled Cockles and Laverbread (suggested by Luke in the comments)

Now, I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t know a whole lot about Wales. It’s kinda like England but with more sheep, right? And they make Doctor Who there? Oh, and you guys are totally awesome at Rugby, which is like American Football but without awesome armour and half-time shows.

What I now also know about Wales is that you enjoy some really weird food. I had to look up what cockles were before I tried them, cos they look like freakin’ aliens and I don’t wanna wake up in a few days with a sore chest. They’re like shellfish. Did you know they change their sex according to their surrounding conditions? That don’t sound like something you should be eating.

Laverbread is made of seaweed but it ain’t seaweed bread…it’s kinda like a seaweed paste. It’s also…erm…well, I don’t know. I felt like I should have found Cockles and Laverbread totally gross but it was pretty interesting. Kinda like that ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ show y’all enjoy over here.

Haggis (suggest by Rebecca Fyfe in the comments / Gemma Barrington on Facebook)

Turns out anything weird Wales can do, Scotland can do even weirder. Haggis is a ‘pudding’ (seriously guys!) made from Sheep heart, liver, lungs and whatever else a sheep has. Did y’all know you can’t actually import UK haggis into the US ‘cos we banned stuff that has sheep lung in it? Well, that’s what they say at least…

It’s probably actually because Haggis is totally gross. I’m not gonna go on and offend the entire Scottish population. I’ve seen Braveheart and I know how mad you dudes can get. Let’s just say that I’m never eating haggis again.

Faggots (suggested by Ben Greenwood on Facebook)

Now I know y’all are just tryin’ to get me into trouble…

Anyway, that’s over with and I’m pretty glad. It was good trying UK food and all, but I can’t wait to get back to eating Oreos and Cap’n Crunch again. If y’all have got any more suggestions for me to try (and I know I missed a couple of you guys out of this post, sorry y’all!), don’t tell me them ‘cos the folks at AS will totally make me eat them for your entertainment.

Don’t forget that y’all can tweet me @AStoneHCO, add me on Facebook or leave a comment here or on the American Soda Facebook page telling me how wrong I am about all this stuff. ‘Til next time, Stoneites!