Alan Stone’s Top Five Christmas Movies
‘Tis the season to be jolly…or something like that. Yeah, I know, it’s only the 7th of December and I’m talkin’ ‘bout Christmas already but hey, I’m excited and it ain’t like you folks haven’t started celebrating already either – I’m hearing Christmas songs EVERYWHERE. Seriously, I don’t know who Noddy Holder is but I feel like him hollering ‘IT’S CHRISTMAS!’ is all I’ve heard this past week.
Because y’all seem to be getting into the festive spirit and I haven’t written much ‘bout movies these past couple of weeks, I thought I’d share my top five favourite Christmas movies with y’all. You’re probably gonna see a lot of these over the next couple of weeks but y’all can rest assured that Alan Stone’s top five Christmas movies are the only five movies you need to watch this Christmas (this may not be strictly true… – AS).
Now, there’s a heck of a lot of Christmas movies so there’s like a 99% chance that some of your favourites aren’t here so don’t get mad and share them with me in the comments or tweet me.
Anyway, I’ll stop jabbering and get on with the list. First up…
Yeah it’s a Will Ferrell movie and yeah, it’s not exactly traditional or whatever but who the heck cares? Elf is a pretty new movie but it’s already become a Christmas classic and I’m pretty sure even that dude Scrooge would crack a smile at least once during this movie. Plus Buddy the Elf, much like Alan Stone, enjoys experimenting with food. Seriously, maple syrup and spaghetti? Not as bad as you might think…
The Muppets Christmas Carol
Everyone knows Charles Dickens’ ‘A Christmas Carol’, mainly because so many movies have told the freakin’ story in some way or another. Anyway, it’s probably my favourite Christmas story and my favourite version of it is ‘The Muppets Christmas Carol’. Why? Well, adding The Muppets to anything is proven to make it 50% more awesome, while adding Michael Caine to anything makes it like 400% more awesome. So by my math, that makes ‘The Muppets Christmas Carol’ 550% awesome (‘cos A Christmas Carol is 100% awesome already), which is pretty good right? (AS disclaimer: Alan Stone’s version of maths should not be considered a reliable metric for determining quality).
A lot of people love this movie ‘cos of cute lil’ Macaluy Culkin (I wonder what he’s up to nowadays) but I love it mainly because it reminds of the time I got left home alone by my Ma and Pa back in Little Rock. Much like poor ol’ Kevin, some burglars also came round to my house, ‘cept I didn’t set up traps to thwart – I just gave them Tootsie Rolls and Cheetos. The lesson: don’t buy a burglar alarm, buy some American food instead! (AS disclaimer: Alan Stone is an idiot, don’t take his advice).
What says Christmas more than Santa, presents and huge amounts of American candy? John McClane in a grubby white vest machine-gunning his way up a tower block, that’s what. Die Hard is the ultimate Christmas movie because not only is it set at Christmas, but it’s also got explosions, awesome one-liners and Hans Gruber.
Plus, it also conveys a strong message on the importance of family at Christmas. Seriously, these movie characters who run through an airport to meet their loved ones last minute on Christmas day? They should try doing that while being shot at by insane terrorists. While thinking of a one-liner for when you’ve eventually killed them all. Yippie-ki-yay!
Jingle All The Way
Y’all knew this was coming, right? No Christmas is complete without at least five viewings of Santa Schwarzenegger’s classic ‘Jingle All The Way’. Arnie plays a dude called Howard Langston who has one mission; get a Turboman toy for his kid. This mainly involves shouting incomprehensibly at Phil ‘voice of Troy McClure’ Hartman for eating his wife’s cookies, fighting Sinbad and The Big Show and dressing up as Turboman himself.
Some people like to say that ‘Jingle All The Way’ represents everything that is wrong with Christmas what with being all about fighting over toys and stuff. But heck, find me a kid who doesn’t think Christmas is all about toys and candy and I’ll find you an Arnie movie that sucks…what do you mean I already have?!